


If only god were watching

by SongOfTheFallenAngels



Category: None - Fandom
Genre: Self Harm, Suicide, triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-19
Updated: 2014-01-19
Packaged: 2018-01-09 07:07:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1143015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SongOfTheFallenAngels/pseuds/SongOfTheFallenAngels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The struggle of a girl battling depression and suicidal tendencies in a Catholic boarding school</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I feel I should add that I've done very little research into Catholic boarding schools (I'm not even sure if they exist or if I've just crossed the idea of a boarding school and a nunnery) so this will probably be very inaccurate but this story is more about venting than it is about making sense. It's based on a daydream I had while going through a bad period and I'm sorry for any spelling errors or facts that I get wrong.  
> This story might be triggering and if you need to talk about anything then I'm here for you.

St. Mary Magdalene is a Catholic boarding school for girls set somewhere in the middle of the English countryside within the middle of nowhere.

It was an old building with modern attachments and it's safe to say that seeing a 20th century house that has on sweet bathrooms and a modernized kitchen can be annoying, if not distressing for those who love preserving history.

And it was here, on the last door on the left of the third floor of the corridor to the right of the stairs, on a beautiful Tuesday morning that I was found on my bed; slit from wrist to elbow on my left arm and bleeding out all over the lilac cotton, sheets.

And it was only then, as I lay pallor and dizzy from blood loss, that I realized just how _fucking stupid_ it was to kill myself half an hour before it would become "worrying" for me to be out of class. That and if I had known damaging the tendons in your arm rather than cutting the artery like I had planned was so fucking painful I might have thrown myself off of the roof instead. It would be less private but at least I would be dead upon impact.

The events that led up to this incident were boring if not tedious. There was no bullying, no secret beatings from the nuns, no priests coming into our dorms late at night, just a choking desire to be something bigger than I was or nothing at all. I chose the latter.

 

*************************

 

I don't remember much after that, I know that I was found by one of the nuns and that there was a lot of screaming. After that everything is just a blur of morphine and doctors and nurses faces and they came and left the room.

I could have stayed like that forever. In and out of consciousness unable to think. It was like dying without the commitment.

Unfortunately, though, you can't stay in a hospital bed forever. You have to either die or go home but you don't get to choose witch. This is where everything became so much more difficult.

 

************************

 

A taxi drove me back to St. Mary's which was a stroke of good luck as the driver had no idea who I was or why I was in hospital, for all he knew I could have been a hero who risked her life to save a shop from being robber and gotten stabbed in the act or a small town genius who figured out where the bomb was just in time, only to be intercepted by the culprits who beat me and left me for dead. But no. Instead I was a sad little girl who would spends more of her time daydreaming about her demise than focusing on living or school.

Anxiety swelled in the pit of my stomach causing my hands to shake. Suicide is a sin I attended Catholic school for fuck sake. I had no idea how the nuns or other girls would react as it ranged from nuns who thought Pete Wentz was the anti Christ because because he straightened his hair - to the nuns like sister Tiffany who would hug the home sick girls and bring them hot tea in their rooms.

I suspected the consequences of action would range anywhere between being cleansed with holy water and a full scare exorcism - to a quiet and sympathetic talk with someone. I didn't look forward to either.

As the school came closer into view, I could have cried at the cold, panicky feeling that spread throughout my entire body. The last time any of them had seen me I was half dead and whimpering due to the (now neatly stitched up) gash running down my arm. How would they react to me now?

 

We drove nearer and nearer and I could practically make out the ivy that clung to the East wall and the tiles on the roof. The suspense was painful. But it didn't last long.

 

The taxi was driving away and I stood out in the cold with sister Jude as she picked up my bag and hurried me to the door.

She didn't look at me directly and I can't say I blame her, but it was suggested that I take dinner in my room tonight. I agreed wholeheartedly.


	2. Chapter 2

That night I thought about what things would be like if I had died.

I thought about how my mother would react, if she would sob and curse the day she sent me here three years ago. 

I thought about weather or not 16 was too young an age to die and if the angels were angry at me for what I did.

I thought about how I wouldv'e died. Curled up on my bed, clutching my arm and crying from pain. I wondered what would have happened if they found me after rigamortis set in. How would I fit in the coffin? If they would have to warm my body up to reverse the effect. If warming my body up _would_ reverse the effect? 

 

I could picture it.

 

My pale, naked corpse in a huge vat of bubbling water, floating around with all the other bodies that had set in contorted positions. 

 

I couldn't sleep that night.

The thought of my death both comforted and upset me. I envyed the dead yet felt lucky that I had escaped that irriversible fate. 

 

*******************

 

The next morning would be the most difficult.

Seeing the other girls again, seeing the nuns again, interacting with them all as if I hadn't tryed to take my own life less than four days ago.

 

To my relief I was ignored, well, verbally at least. 

Everyone's eyes followed me down the corridoor as if they expected me to try again right there and then.

No. I wouldn't try again this soon.

I didn't even know if I _would_ try again.

 

******************

 

Breakfast was buttered toast and I sat alone by choice. I'm sure the more sympathetic of the girls would love to know why I tried to kill myself and how.

 

_What was the hospital like?_

_Did it hurt?_

_How did you get the razor blade?_

_Why did you do it?_

  
  


These were all questions that I wasn't realy to answer or think about.

 

It was Friday so I _should_ have had double science followed by history, music and finished off the day with Geography but sister Jude didn't think I was ' _emotionally prepared to be placed in an educational enviroment'_ yet. 

I didn't disagree.

 

I spent most of the day in my room.

Considering I was on suicide watch (although I was not explicitly told this, being checked up on every 15 minutes is a pretty good clue) and leaving my room to wander round the garden or simply stretch my legs without informing anyone might set the nuns off into a frenzy.

 

There came a knock at the door.

 

"Yep, still alive" I called back.

It had been 4 hours and 16 check up and therefor 16 walks to the door to prove I was still kicking, so I was reluctant to get up from my bed.

 

"You won't be for much longer unless you open this door" they called back.

 

I knew instantly that I was Jaymee so I opened the door and tryed to look ashamed.

 

"And you're here because?"

"Well, I'm not here to up my Geog textbook am I?"

 

Ah, I had missed this.

Our friendship had always been a series of me fucking up and her finding out why.

 

"And you thought now, just before final lesson, was the best time to do this?"

"Well after Geog I have to go running and after I go running I have pass out because cardio is hard. So, yes. I'm doing this now"

"Well come on in, but you can't stay for too long. I hear kids round here have been killing themselves."

Not the best joke to crack.....

 

**********************

"Show the stitches"

"why?"

"Just show me. I wanna see them"

 

I rolled up my sleeve and unwrapped he bandage. 

It was neatly stiched but some weird clear ooze was coming from the cut.

It was pretty grimm even for me, and I'm the one who put it there.

 

"Why? Just.... _Why?"_

"Because I was upset and pissed off and lonely and...." I trailed off.

"Why were you pissed off? Why were you upset? Why were you lonely?"

"Have you see this place? I bet the fucking flies are bored stiff"

 

She didn't reply so I didn't say anything. 

We just sat there like that for a while untill I reaplied the bandage and rolled down my sleeve.

 

"I am sorry, y'know."

"You should be. Slitting your wrist and not saying goodbye."

 

So that's what she was pissed about.

 

"To tell you the truth, I didn't think I would be able to. And you're a manipulative bitch, you probably would have talked me out of it"

"Yeah, I would have. And then I would have slept in your room that night and every night after that untill I was sure you were safe."

" Yeah...I know you would've. And that's why I couldn't say goodbye"

 

She stood abruptly.

 

"Not even a note! **A note!** "

"Wh-what?!"

"You were gonna leave this word and your family and me, and you weren't even gonna tell us why! You weren't going to leave a note!"

She was yelling now

"Unless you didn't think that you were going to die, and you knew that you were gonna be here to explain it to me in which case you're just _a selfish bitch_ who puts everyone through shit because you 'felt pissed off'"

 

She mimicked how I said it in a whiney voice.

 

"Charming..." I muttered.

Sarcasm is my fall back defense.

" **No** , don't you dare act like I'm over reacting! I'm yelling! _That's what **people do** when they're pissed off_. They don't just kill themselves!"

I don't know what I would have said next, and I didn't have to say anything because she was out the door and storming down the corridoor.

 

The last thing I heard was "You're a selfish bitch, Ember. A _selfish bitch!"_  

 


End file.
